I have bruises from children that are not my own.
I mean, the bruises are mine, but the children that caused the bruising are not.
Let me explain ...
I decided to return to ski instructing this winter, at the small area where I started teaching back in 1996. It holds terrific memories for me, as it is where hubby and I met. I have been on "hiatus" for a few years (having babies and such), but this year, I'm BACK, BABY!
So, today I walk in and the ski school director says, "Oh, good, you're here!"
Initially, I thought, awww, how sweet, I've been missed. So glad I'm back.
But then, he continued, "There are TWIN 3 year olds that want a girl instructor."
To which I replied, "You're hilarious." (Because, ya know, easing oneself back into teaching is the best plan ... and you know what they say about the best laid plans...)
Joke was on me. He, in fact, was not kidding. Not even a little. At that very moment there were two little people waiting with their dad, for me.
I didn't hear the screaming and pleas for freedom until I was putting on my ski boots.
The screaming continued all the way out of the building and across the beginner area. Upon assuring the dad that he could leave whenever he wanted to, and I would be fine with the twins, despite the screams, he said his goodbyes and bolted.
His departure brought about a sound I'd not heard before.
And I'm a mom.
Twins, it seems, feed off each other. Like coyotes. Or hyenas. Or, twins. When one is screaming about needing daddy, the other (whose screams had subsided), not be outdone, chimes in as well.
The pitch and sheer volume of the screams was both impressive and wholly unbelievable. I'd never heard anything like it.
Thing 1 (twin boy) was secured to his skis, looking up to the sky, and very pathetically calling out for daddy.
Thing 2 (twin girl) was NOT secured to skis, and instead, insisted on running toward the parking lot in search of daddy.
I'm fairly certain that, (although not visible) since daddy was in the same county, he heard the screams.
Each time Thing 2 ran for freedom, I tried verbally coercing her back (each time unsuccessfully), and then resorted to chasing her on foot.
And each time I got to her, she went all wet noodle. As I lifted her up to carry her back to where Thing 1 was standing (and still wailing), her legs flailed as she kicked and squirmed in extreme protest.
Hence, the bruising. The kicks to my shins were endless. And, let's not forget that she had ski boots on at the time.
Yeah, ouch.
Oh, and because of all the screaming, or in addition to the wailing, each little nose was blowing bubbles. So, aside from attempting to stop the sounds, there were tissues flying out of my pocket faster than government bailout money for big banks. And, lets not forget that they are three, so it's not like their mittened little hands are wiping their own noses.
Now, while all this is going on, I am still trying to convince them that we are going to have fun (see, I am still a slow learner).
After getting the attention of the entire beginner area with the screaming and the flailing and the general protest, I finally convinced Thing 2 to strap on the skis.
OK, I bribed her, but, whatever.
I promised her that if she put on her skis and we started practicing our "pizza" (kid teaching lingo for the shape ones skis make while learning to stop), that I would get daddy and he could watch.
The crying and screaming stopped. Instantly.
With skis on, and small pizzas being made, daddy showed up and Things 1 & 2 went ape shit. Literally. Poor Dad stood at the bottom of the beginner area for an hour as I got the twins up the hill and down the hill.
By the end of the hour, they were going down the hill, on their own, with a smile on their faces.
They almost looked angelic, but I knew better. And so did my shins.
And, daddy asked if it would be possible for him to request me next time, since I've already been through the "routine" with them. Oy. Sure. Why not? I'm a slow learner...
So, after that lesson, a quick break doesn't seem an unreasonable request, right?
HA!
I no sooner walk back in to the ski school, when trusty director says once again, "Oh, good, you're here. Your next lesson has been waiting - it's a 5 year old girl who wants a girl instructor."
I didn't even put my skis down.
Back out to the hill with a child vocally less-than-pleased with mom and dad's decision for ski school.
Swell.
Parents apologized for the whimpering sounds coming from their child.
I told them, "Hey as long as she doesn't kick me in the shins with her ski boots mid tantrum, I'm cool."
They didn't get the joke, but I didn't care.
Her whimpering subsided when I began a line of questioning involving hot chocolate and big marshmallows vs. little ones.
After the hour was up, and another little one was skiing solo down the beginner hill (and another request for a lesson on Wednesday), I walked (more slowly this time) back to the ski school desk.
Just as I was about to announce that I was packing it in and heading home, a bright eyed little 5 year old girl walked up to the desk with her grandmother and announced she needed a lesson - from a girl. I got "the look" from the ski school director, and was once again heading out to the beginner area.
This one? This one was a fearless spitfire, full of energy. She proudly announced that she raced last year and beat all the boys.
We bonded.
She took two rides up the rope and said she wanted to hit the chair.
After the Things 1 & 2, I could do anything today. Anything.
Another hour, another little one that wants to come back and play on Wednesday.
As a result, I'll be in traction until noon on Wednesday.
And then, likely again after 4.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Clean cars and hand warmers
Yesterday was a very nice day, thanks to my very dear friend, D.
Here's how things went:
8:25am: Get a call from D that goes something like this, "Hey, the roads are AWFUL. Be really careful. I am taking the kids to my parents right now and it's treacherous. I really don't think I'm going to make it in time to meet you at Coffee Bar before we - OH NO! DAMMIT! I gotta go ..."
For the next 25 minutes, visions of D and her kids in a ditch - or worse - raced through my head, until I texted, "Um, are you ok?" and she called back letting me know that they were fine, just that her life had flashed before her eyes.
OK, whew, glad it was no big deal. **Note, sarcasm** (But, seriously, she's gotta stop doing that!)
9:15am: Left house and headed to Coffee Bar for Toasted Marshmellow Americanos.
10:05am: Arrived at Auto Shine Detailing in Kalamazoo where I left the car and climbed into a Super Stretch Lincoln Navigator SUV limo for a day of pampering, shopping and fun with D and two new friends.
Oh, and it was all, FREE.
From here, the times are sketchy, since a) I don't wear a watch, and b) my phone would ring if anyone (like the babysitter) needed me!
Our limo driver, Rodney, was awesome (turns out, we'd met before, years ago, when I worked at the station and we brought David Spade to town). He carted us ALL OVER in icky weather, and was very nice.
We got massages and pampering at The Greenery Spa, we had TO DIE FOR chocolates and tea at ChocolaTea (I'm not usually a tea drinker, but, WOW yumminess), we had one more stop, which I'll get to in a sec, before heading to Olde Peninsula Brewpub for DElish eats and drinks.
OK, now, back to the final stop on the shopping leg of our adventure. Otter's Oasis. I beg of you, click on the link, and keep in mind the following: this adventure of ours was the result of a radio station holiday promotion where ANYONE has a shot at winning. Anyone.
So, the winner and her guest are both RNs at an area hospital, mid 30s, and, thankfully VERY good-natured.
We walk in and it's (as their website proclaims) Hookah Central. Literally. And, floor-to-ceiling pipes and smoking accessories, such as, Acrylic Pipes, Bubbling Hammers, Bubbling sidecars, Chillums (whose name, I can only imagine, was born after a long night of partaking in products requiring such an apparatus by a group of giggling friends over a bag of Doritos or Funyuns), Percolating Water Pipes, and, well, you get the idea.
Otter's is also THE Detox Depot in town, apparently, as their website boasts Body Cleansing Products, Emergency Cleansers, Saliva Cleansing Products and Synthetic Urine Kits.
I provide all this information not to judge, rather, to tell of the most hilarious conversational exchange of the day, and, (later) to prove a point.
So, our limo pulls up to Otter's Oasis and the four of us (all in the vicinity of 40ish) pile out. Now, we all knew what the store was, but D (being the station "representative") thought that there would be hemp jewelery, hemp clothing, and, shall we say, a wider array of product choices. Thankfully (for D and the station), while none of us are the target demo, the station's winner was not at all offended. They lucked out, for sure. Could have been really bad if the winner had been super conservative with the inability to laugh at such a scenario.
And laugh we did, especially at the exchange laid out below.
Scene: Station winner, "M" holding 2 different sized boxes of this detoxifier. Keep in mind, "M" is an adorable blonde who weighs about 95 lbs soaking wet. She'd fit in my pocket. Bitch.
Anyway ..... the conversation .....
M (to the 20ish girl working): What's the difference between the big box and the little one - they both say "Drink entire contents". (M is holding the big box, by the way).
Girl: Well, they go by how much you weigh - like this one (pointing to the one M is holding) is technically for 250 lbs and up - but it also depends on how much you use. Like me, I use A LOT, so I need the big one (she too could not have weighed much more than 110 lbs).
** So, picture a 250 lb man ... and now picture someone the size of Courtney Cox needing as much detoxifier as that man to get all the toxins out of her body from frequent "use".**
M: Oh, I don't use.
Girl (with a look that only be described as truly shocked): WHAT? Well, then why are you buying this?
M: Well, I just thought it was a body cleanser, you know, to get everyday toxins and bad stuff out of your body.
Girl: Uh, no. You don't need this. This is really, just for, like an emergency. Like if you had to take a drug test tomorrow.
It was at this point that we discovered a box of hand warmers (shit you not) and used the $100 Gift Certificate to buy several pair for each of us. Because, after all, none of us needed to cleanse for an upcoming drug test. Whew.
Have you ever been in a store with $100 (not-of-your) dollars to spend and had difficulty? I hadn't either. Until yesterday.
It was hilarious.
Then we had lunch downtown where some other friends joined. It was a great day.
When we were dropped back off at our cars, my minivan which, has fallen victim to two small children, was sparkling like the day we bought it. Seriously, it was the best Christmas present. I am thankful that D is SO BUSY she didn't have time to clean out her own minivan in time to have the detailing done, thus yours truly benefited. Mightily!
It was a wonderful day with friends and laughter. Capped by a family Rudolph-watching evening all snuggled up in one bed.
Gotta LOVE the holiday season!
Here's how things went:
8:25am: Get a call from D that goes something like this, "Hey, the roads are AWFUL. Be really careful. I am taking the kids to my parents right now and it's treacherous. I really don't think I'm going to make it in time to meet you at Coffee Bar before we - OH NO! DAMMIT! I gotta go ..."
For the next 25 minutes, visions of D and her kids in a ditch - or worse - raced through my head, until I texted, "Um, are you ok?" and she called back letting me know that they were fine, just that her life had flashed before her eyes.
OK, whew, glad it was no big deal. **Note, sarcasm** (But, seriously, she's gotta stop doing that!)
9:15am: Left house and headed to Coffee Bar for Toasted Marshmellow Americanos.
10:05am: Arrived at Auto Shine Detailing in Kalamazoo where I left the car and climbed into a Super Stretch Lincoln Navigator SUV limo for a day of pampering, shopping and fun with D and two new friends.
Oh, and it was all, FREE.
From here, the times are sketchy, since a) I don't wear a watch, and b) my phone would ring if anyone (like the babysitter) needed me!
Our limo driver, Rodney, was awesome (turns out, we'd met before, years ago, when I worked at the station and we brought David Spade to town). He carted us ALL OVER in icky weather, and was very nice.
We got massages and pampering at The Greenery Spa, we had TO DIE FOR chocolates and tea at ChocolaTea (I'm not usually a tea drinker, but, WOW yumminess), we had one more stop, which I'll get to in a sec, before heading to Olde Peninsula Brewpub for DElish eats and drinks.
OK, now, back to the final stop on the shopping leg of our adventure. Otter's Oasis. I beg of you, click on the link, and keep in mind the following: this adventure of ours was the result of a radio station holiday promotion where ANYONE has a shot at winning. Anyone.
So, the winner and her guest are both RNs at an area hospital, mid 30s, and, thankfully VERY good-natured.
We walk in and it's (as their website proclaims) Hookah Central. Literally. And, floor-to-ceiling pipes and smoking accessories, such as, Acrylic Pipes, Bubbling Hammers, Bubbling sidecars, Chillums (whose name, I can only imagine, was born after a long night of partaking in products requiring such an apparatus by a group of giggling friends over a bag of Doritos or Funyuns), Percolating Water Pipes, and, well, you get the idea.
Otter's is also THE Detox Depot in town, apparently, as their website boasts Body Cleansing Products, Emergency Cleansers, Saliva Cleansing Products and Synthetic Urine Kits.
I provide all this information not to judge, rather, to tell of the most hilarious conversational exchange of the day, and, (later) to prove a point.
So, our limo pulls up to Otter's Oasis and the four of us (all in the vicinity of 40ish) pile out. Now, we all knew what the store was, but D (being the station "representative") thought that there would be hemp jewelery, hemp clothing, and, shall we say, a wider array of product choices. Thankfully (for D and the station), while none of us are the target demo, the station's winner was not at all offended. They lucked out, for sure. Could have been really bad if the winner had been super conservative with the inability to laugh at such a scenario.
And laugh we did, especially at the exchange laid out below.
Scene: Station winner, "M" holding 2 different sized boxes of this detoxifier. Keep in mind, "M" is an adorable blonde who weighs about 95 lbs soaking wet. She'd fit in my pocket. Bitch.
Anyway ..... the conversation .....
M (to the 20ish girl working): What's the difference between the big box and the little one - they both say "Drink entire contents". (M is holding the big box, by the way).
Girl: Well, they go by how much you weigh - like this one (pointing to the one M is holding) is technically for 250 lbs and up - but it also depends on how much you use. Like me, I use A LOT, so I need the big one (she too could not have weighed much more than 110 lbs).
** So, picture a 250 lb man ... and now picture someone the size of Courtney Cox needing as much detoxifier as that man to get all the toxins out of her body from frequent "use".**
M: Oh, I don't use.
Girl (with a look that only be described as truly shocked): WHAT? Well, then why are you buying this?
M: Well, I just thought it was a body cleanser, you know, to get everyday toxins and bad stuff out of your body.
Girl: Uh, no. You don't need this. This is really, just for, like an emergency. Like if you had to take a drug test tomorrow.
It was at this point that we discovered a box of hand warmers (shit you not) and used the $100 Gift Certificate to buy several pair for each of us. Because, after all, none of us needed to cleanse for an upcoming drug test. Whew.
Have you ever been in a store with $100 (not-of-your) dollars to spend and had difficulty? I hadn't either. Until yesterday.
It was hilarious.
Then we had lunch downtown where some other friends joined. It was a great day.
When we were dropped back off at our cars, my minivan which, has fallen victim to two small children, was sparkling like the day we bought it. Seriously, it was the best Christmas present. I am thankful that D is SO BUSY she didn't have time to clean out her own minivan in time to have the detailing done, thus yours truly benefited. Mightily!
It was a wonderful day with friends and laughter. Capped by a family Rudolph-watching evening all snuggled up in one bed.
Gotta LOVE the holiday season!
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Wednesday, December 16, 2009
A little for everyone ...
My sister-in-law says blogging will make me feel better.
For the record, she also says that returning to spin class will make me feel better, too.
I say, what the hell does she know?
Okay, okay. I know she's right, but still. I haven't had time to blog - or spin (and, GoGo, if you correct me here and say I just haven't MADE time for either, I'm smacking you. Even if you are right.)
So my last post was about the Princess' first day of skating lessons.
(This Sunday is the last day of the session.)
My last post also included the trip to the ER with Little Man and his ruptured ear drum.
(Which, has since healed, although now "we" are back to waking multiple times each night - a problem that was almost cured when the whole ear issue surfaced. Ugh.)
Since my last post, we said goodbye to our dear, sweet lab/shepard mutt, Monster (we didn't name her, she came with the name). I still find myself expecting her puppy kisses on occasion when I walk in the house.
The other day, Princess said this: "Mommy, I miss Monster. I wish she wouldn't have died before Christmas, so we could have had one more holiday with her."
Ugh. Heart breaking ...
I just took the Halloween decorations down 2 weeks ago.
I still don't have the Christmas tree up.
(Hey, who do I look like, MARTHA FREAKING STEWART?!)
Since my last post I attended the city council meeting, of a city in which I do not live, to support a woman so strong and inspiring it makes me want to be a better person. I am honored and blessed to call her a friend.
I have received more "Merry Christmas" cards than "Happy Holidays" ones, and that makes me happy.
I have an opinion on Tiger Woods but am requesting privacy on the matter. My family knows where I stand on the issue and that's all that matters.
I don't believe Gov. Granholm when she says sh!t is going to turn around in our state. Not because I don't have faith that it will, I just have NO FAITH in her ability to get us there.
I am already planning how to get into a State Dinner at the White House without an invitation. Maybe I can hand deliver my ideas on healthcare reform ......
Peace.
-- Post From My iPhone
For the record, she also says that returning to spin class will make me feel better, too.
I say, what the hell does she know?
Okay, okay. I know she's right, but still. I haven't had time to blog - or spin (and, GoGo, if you correct me here and say I just haven't MADE time for either, I'm smacking you. Even if you are right.)
So my last post was about the Princess' first day of skating lessons.
(This Sunday is the last day of the session.)
My last post also included the trip to the ER with Little Man and his ruptured ear drum.
(Which, has since healed, although now "we" are back to waking multiple times each night - a problem that was almost cured when the whole ear issue surfaced. Ugh.)
Since my last post, we said goodbye to our dear, sweet lab/shepard mutt, Monster (we didn't name her, she came with the name). I still find myself expecting her puppy kisses on occasion when I walk in the house.
The other day, Princess said this: "Mommy, I miss Monster. I wish she wouldn't have died before Christmas, so we could have had one more holiday with her."
Ugh. Heart breaking ...
I just took the Halloween decorations down 2 weeks ago.
I still don't have the Christmas tree up.
(Hey, who do I look like, MARTHA FREAKING STEWART?!)
Since my last post I attended the city council meeting, of a city in which I do not live, to support a woman so strong and inspiring it makes me want to be a better person. I am honored and blessed to call her a friend.
I have received more "Merry Christmas" cards than "Happy Holidays" ones, and that makes me happy.
I have an opinion on Tiger Woods but am requesting privacy on the matter. My family knows where I stand on the issue and that's all that matters.
I don't believe Gov. Granholm when she says sh!t is going to turn around in our state. Not because I don't have faith that it will, I just have NO FAITH in her ability to get us there.
I am already planning how to get into a State Dinner at the White House without an invitation. Maybe I can hand deliver my ideas on healthcare reform ......
Peace.
-- Post From My iPhone
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